


Romance novels have it all wrong (except for when they get it right)

by Goldilocks92



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: But doesn't realise it for ages, F/M, Hermione has PMS, Hermione loves being single but not really, Hermione reads too much trash, Hermione thinks Snape is sexy, Meta, One Shot, Romance novel bashing, but not too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:40:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26017414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Goldilocks92/pseuds/Goldilocks92
Summary: Hermione loves being single. Although maybe she doesn't love it as much as she thinks, especially when she's been reading too many romance novels which make her long for something more, which she knows doesn't exist, except maybe it does because didn't Snape love Lily like that? So, one day at work, Hermione says the stupidest thing anyone anywhere has ever said: ‘Snape, sometimes I’m jealous of what you had with Lily.’
Relationships: Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Severus Snape, Lavender Brown/Ron Weasley, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Neville Longbottom/Luna Lovegood
Comments: 10
Kudos: 163





	Romance novels have it all wrong (except for when they get it right)

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a cathartic little something that I suddenly needed to write - enjoy!

Hermione was perfectly happy being single. She loved it in fact. She could do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. She could spend hours reading or researching into the night, and no one would be disgruntled. She could spend half a day in bed masturbating if she felt like it, and she didn’t have to justify herself to anyone. She could spend as much time with her friends as she wanted, going out to bars or cafes or on long walks, and when she wanted alone time, she could withdraw for a while and enjoy her solitude.

And really, looking at the relationships of the people around her, she didn’t feel like she was missing out on much. Ginny and Harry were sweet together, they really were, they often shared a chair, with Ginny on Harry’s lap, and would stroke each other’s arms or hold hands absentmindedly when they were in company. But Ginny was also a bit of a nag, and when she was in a bad mood, she’d take it out by pointing out all the things that Harry did that annoyed her, and even though Harry told Hermione he didn’t mind, not really, Hermione wouldn’t want to be in either of their shoes.

And Ron and Lavender were so in love, they’d sometimes just zone out of conversations when they were all at the bar together, just to look into each other’s eyes. It was very soppy, yet Hermione couldn’t help but think that they were so _boring_ , always having the same conversations and seeming so content to just spend quiet evenings at home and not feeling the need to experience anything new.

And Neville and Luna were frankly adorable, Luna away with the fairies, yet strangely insightful when necessary, and Neville steadfast and solid, taking care of her when she forgot, making her meals and even forcing her into the shower when she was in one of her absentminded phases and wasn’t looking after herself properly. But Hermione sometimes thought the whole thing was a bit _parental_ , she didn’t want to have that much responsibility for someone’s wellbeing, didn’t want to end up mothering a partner who should be her equal.

So really, Hermione was happy being single. She enjoyed her independence and could take care of her sexual needs herself, with the aid of her trusted vibrator. She’d tried dating before, and it too often ended up in utterly dull encounters with dull strangers. And when the date had been promising enough to take into the bedroom later, the actual sex had often ended up being so disappointing and uninspiring that Hermione had ended up indefinitely postponing any further dating attempts. As she told her friends, she absolutely _loved_ being single.

Except for when she didn’t. There were times, perhaps when she had read too many romance novels recently, that she felt this deep longing for _more_ in her chest, radiating outwards before dissipating into the air when it didn’t find the connection it was looking for. She chastised herself regularly for those feelings. Afterall, she had never witnessed relationships that were particularly enviable, in her estimation, and she was absolutely certain that the romantic, everything or nothing, _I can’t live without you_ kind of love described in her novels was the stuff of pure fantasy, utterly unrealistic.

But oh, did she want it sometimes. To feel that kind of bond with someone, to be understood on a fundamental level, to be wanted desperately, to _want_ desperately. In all her previous short-lived relationships and flings, she had never felt the intense kind of desire she read about, longed for, or even felt in some of her masturbatory fantasies. In the end, whenever she was actually with someone, her desire felt muted, there but not flaming. The sex would be enjoyable enough, but ultimately it left her cold.

And she was so mad at herself for longing for the deep, satisfying, burning, desperate connection depicted in the romantic drivel she read. But she just couldn’t help it. Sometimes it came up to the surface, and she’d just _want_. Hopelessly.

And then, one day, when these feelings had been overwhelming her, Hermione did something incredibly stupid.

‘Snape,’ she said, as they were sitting at their desks in their joint office at the ministry. ‘Sometimes I’m jealous of what you had with Lily.’

He looked up at her, and he looked stunned. His eyes wide open and his mouth parted, slack jawed. And then a spark of anger flashed over his face, and she realised what she’d just said.

‘Oh god,’ she started, her face turned a furious shade of red, ‘I shouldn’t have said that, I know that it didn’t end well,’ his eyes were narrowing dangerously now, ‘god, obviously, but, you know, you really loved her, you’ve felt that deep connection with someone, you’ve loved deeply, you’ve felt that life or death kind of love,’ Hermione was stammering now, her heart pounding, regretting every word that came out of her mouth, couldn’t believe she was saying this, that she’d said the word _death_ in relation to his love for Lily, god, how stupid could she be, but it was too late now, she couldn’t go back, couldn’t erase the last thirty seconds, and now she had to continue -

‘- it’s just, god Severus I’m sorry already for what I just said, but I’ve never felt what you have, I’ve never loved someone, I’ve never been desperate for another person, a specific person, I’ve never wanted to sacrifice myself for someone, I’ve never met someone who I thought could be my other half, I’ve never felt so deeply about anyone, and now sometimes I feel so lonely, so desperate for something that I _know_ can’t exist, except maybe it does, because you’ve felt it-‘

God, she was rambling and her face felt like it was on fire, and _look at him_ , he looked shocked and furious, and, oh, they’d been getting on so well! And now she’d ruined not only their working relationship, but what she was sure had been a budding friendship, and now it was all over –

‘Granger,’ Snape growled, ‘you’re an idiot,’ and he shot an incredulous look at her and just stood up from his desk and walked out of their office, his fists clenched at his side.

Hermione felt like the string that must have been holding her up had snapped, and she crumpled down onto her desk, thumping her face onto her folded arms and pressing her eyes shut against the firm cloth of her robes.

_What had she done?_

She’d mentioned _Lily_! Everyone knew you couldn’t do that, not in front of Snape. Everyone knew he was heartbroken over her, that she represented the sum of all of Snape’s regrets and sorrows in life. And Hermione had said she was _jealous_ of it! Jealous of his heartbreak! How utterly, unforgivably _stupid_ of her! Insensitive, hurtful, and so utterly idiotic! Shame was burning through her, and humiliation, and dread at having to see him again.

What if he didn’t come back? What if he was on his way to their boss now to demand that he move office? Or what if he resigned? What if he got her fired, for inappropriate workplace behaviour? What if she never saw him again?

And that last thought made her panic the most. She _liked_ seeing him every day. Talking to him about their potions research, brewing together in the adjoining lab, arguing about the best brewing techniques, arguments which he usually won, though she always put up a good fight, bitching together about the ministry employees in the admin department who seemed determined to turn their lives into a Kafkaesque bureaucratic nightmare. Plotting revenge on the Umbridge-like head of admin, plans which were alternately viciously dark and farcically obscure, depending on their moods on any given day. Whining at him about her friends, about Ginny’s nagging and Ron’s boringness and Neville’s mothering and about how they had all settled far too early in life.

And now, now, she had let her ridiculous romantic fantasies burst out at him in the most damaging way possible, and he would hate her forever.

Hermione started crying, something she did very rarely, so it surprised her and she cast her tracking spell and realised that her period was almost due and she was definitely PMSing which explained so much, but didn’t help her out of this particularly sticky situation, and then she thought about how Severus had just gotten up and left her alone in the office and she started crying even more, because she realised that she didn’t just like him, she _like_ liked him, and what a ridiculously juvenile way of putting things, but she did! She liked his stupid big nose and his cruel mouth which smirked delightfully when they were planning the worst types of hell for Admin Bitch, and his long fingers which tapped impatiently when they were waiting for their potions to finish brewing.

 _Oh my god,_ she thought, _I fancy him_!

And then she started cry-laughing, what a time to realise something so important! After she had gone on about his undying love for _another woman_ , who had rejected him and left him heartbroken, who had _died_ , in part because of his actions, and whom he had devoted the rest of his entire life to! And she had told him she was jealous! And perhaps she was, not of his _heartbreak_ , though, but of Lily, who had so undeservingly received all that devotion, and none of it would be left for her.

Severus was right, she was an Idiot! _Idiot Idiot Idiot Idiot!_

And then the door to her office banged open again, and when Hermione looked up, Severus was there with a scowl on his face, which seemed starkly pale as always in contrast to his black cloak, but didn’t seem otherwise too furious with her, and Hermione quickly tried to wipe her face clean of tears and snot and mascara with her sleeves.

‘Granger,’ Snape said, and Hermione looked up hopefully, because it didn’t _sound_ like he was about to tear her limb from limb.

And then he threw something onto her desk, which thudded down with a sharp thwack which made her jump. It was a big bar of Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate.

Hermione looked up at him, confused and still speechless.

‘Hm,’ Snape said, now looking slightly embarrassed, ‘after your, erm… speech earlier, I realised it’s probably around that… time of the month again,’ he cleared his throat, ‘the timing would be right, at least going by your particularly dastardly plans against the Admin Toad four weeks ago.’ There were two bright spots gracing his high cheek bones now, which Hermione found absolutely adorable and couldn’t believed she hadn’t ever noticed before.

‘So,’ Hermione’s voice was trembling, ‘you’re not mad at me?’

Snape moved to take off his cloak and sit back down at his desk. He rested his chin on his steepled fingers and pursed his lips, and, God, he was _sexy_ , how had she never realised before?

‘No,’ he replied, ‘although I still think you’re an idiot. Now eat the chocolate, Granger.’

Hermione complied, her whirling emotions calming somewhat as she started enjoying the smooth sweet richness of the chocolate. But she was still incredibly embarrassed and found it hard to look his way. Instead, she focused on the deep purple of the wrapper on the table.

‘I can’t believe you know when my period is,’ she said to him, eventually, without really thinking about what she was saying (she really had to stop doing that).

‘Ahem,’ Snape said, clearing his throat again, awkwardly, ‘well I suppose, _Hermione_ ,’ he emphasised, referring to her by her given name for the first time she could remember, sending a thrill through her, ‘I’ve gotten to know you quite well in the last few years. Well enough to detect a not particularly subtle pattern of you going mildly mad every four weeks or so. I would have supposed that you had also gotten to know me quite well over the years, but I guess I was mistaken.’

‘No you weren’t! What do you mean? I _do_ know you, _Severus_ ,’ Hermione cried, slightly affronted yet enjoying her newfound freedom to enjoy his name in her mouth.

‘I rather think you don’t,’ Severus replied, ‘if you are still entertaining fanciful notions of my undying, sacrificial, _life or death_ kind of love for Lily Potter,’ he sneered. ‘Really, Hermione, I thought you were above that kind of ridiculous romantic Daily Prophet drivel. But I suppose I have overestimated you.’

‘You haven’t!’ Hermione was alarmed now, her heart beating fast in her chest. ‘I mean, perhaps I did believe it, I guess I haven’t thought about it much until today, I just, I’ve just been thinking about relationships and love and stuff recently, and I guess sometimes I start feeling like I’m missing something, and I want that kind of connection, like a real deep one, like the ones I read about in romance novels, which I _know_ are bullshit, but I can’t help it and want them _anyway_ , and then today I was suddenly thinking that your love for Lily was the only real life example I had of that kind of thing, and then I just said it, without thinking, and –‘

‘Yes,’ Severus interrupted, grimacing slightly, ‘I was there for that bit. I don’t think I need a repeat. But I still think you’re an idiot, Granger.’ Back to last names again, she thought mournfully, although, it _did_ sound affectionate, somehow, and she hoped she wasn’t imagining it.

‘I’m not!’ she said, annoyed, and ate some more of the chocolate, because it really _did_ make her feel better. ‘Why do you keep saying that?’

‘Only an _idiot_ would feel _jealous_ of my feelings for Lily. Only an _idiot_ would romanticise it, as the Prophet, and, apparently, _you_ have done. I was a _teenager_ , Granger!’ Severus was looking incredulous again, now, his voice rising. ‘I was a stupid, insecure teenager who was infatuated with the first pretty girl who was nice to him, and then, _Granger_ ,’ he emphasised again, in that strangely outraged affectionate tone of his, ‘she rejected me, and I became obsessed and, frankly, I was a spotty teenage creep who couldn’t let go of a silly fantasy out of pure bitterness and spite! There was _nothing_ romantic about it, and it had very little to do with love, and the only life or death thing about it was the fact she _ended up dead_! She was never my other half, and I was definitely never hers, there was no deep soulful connection, or anything like those ridiculous fantasies you threw at me earlier. _Good god_ , Granger, don’t tell me you believe in all that _one true love_ crap you read about in those terrible books of yours!’

’They aren’t terrible!’ Hermione insisted, albeit only for a moment. ‘Or, perhaps they are, a bit, but I _like_ them… even if they do make me feel a bit sad sometimes.’

‘If they make you believe that kind of _utter drivel_ , I forbid you from ever reading another again! Merlin, Granger, you’re an intelligent woman! At least you usually are. I can’t believe you’re coming out with this rubbish!’ Severus gave a disbelieving laugh and brushed his beautiful long fingers through his only mildly greasy hair, and Hermione’s heart gave a thump.

Hermione couldn’t help it, she blushed and bit her lip and looked up at his glorious incredulous face through her mascara-smeared eyelashes.

Severus looked gobsmacked for a moment. ‘Granger, do you _fancy_ me?’ he asked, and her stomach dropped. ‘Don’t tell me you’re one of _them_. Do you think I’m some kind of tragic hero? The noble tortured soul who needs to be _rescued_?! Are you going to start sending me owls along with the rest of the Prophet’s lonely middle-aged readers, and offer to soothe my poor broken heart? Really, Granger, I thought you were better than this.’

Hermione blushed furiously. ‘No! God no! I mean, not like _that_!’ she said in a horrified tone, and Snape looked relieved, until she went on, ‘I mean, I do fancy you, I think, I mean, I didn’t realise until just now, when you left the room and I thought you hated me and were never going to speak to me again.’ Now Severus just looked confused, and the pink spots on his cheekbones were back, and Hermione wanted to _lick_ them. ‘I realised that I _like_ you, you know, _like_ like you.’

Severus huffed out a breath and raised an incredulous eyebrow. ‘You _like_ like me? Granger, what are we, twelve?’

‘I mean, I _like_ you! I like your nose and your hands and working with you and I _really_ like plotting with you against the Admin Basilisk, and I would have been really sad if I never saw you again!’

Severus looked torn between shock and amusement before he snorted and said, ‘you _like my nose?_ ’ as if that was the craziest thing she had said all day. He raised his hand as if to touch said protrusion but instead brushed it through his hair again.

‘Yes, Severus,’ Hermione said, ‘I like your nose.’ She was smiling. Severus didn’t seem offended or outraged or angry or horrified by her admission, and her heart was beating quickly and she felt a rush of excited butterflies fill her belly, and while this wasn’t the soul-wrenching stuff of her romance novels, it was the most alive she had felt in a while and she wanted to laugh. Instead she said, ‘I would like to kiss you now, if that’s ok,’ and Severus looked completely taken aback for a moment, and then his lips curved slightly and he tentatively nodded at her.

Hermione stood up from her desk, closed the space between them, took his cheek in her right palm, and caressed his adorably flushed cheekbone with her thumb before leaning down to lightly press a kiss to his lips. It was absolutely lovely, even if it didn’t immediately set her body on fire, and when he reacted by pulling her back to him and kissing her softly in return while stroking his hands through her bushy hair, Hermione sighed softly in contentment and enjoyed the moment wholeheartedly.

Much later, after the Admin Fascist had interrupted them with an owl requesting completed paperwork and they had filled out the necessary forms while coming up with new schemes to bring down the Department of Tyranny, they went to the pub for fish and chips and a beer, and, even later, after Severus had pushed her up against a wall in the alley outside and her body had become increasingly engulfed in a heat that had her grinding against him as they passionately kissed, Hermione supposed that her romance novels had, perhaps, gotten one or two things right after all.

And much much later, while Hermione still found her friends’ relationships entirely unenviable, she had to admit that there was something to be said for the times when Severus nagged her to read some decent literature instead of her romance trash, or their quiet evenings in doing nothing in particular at all, which others might have described as boring, or even the times he had to coddle her when her PMS was really bad and she was feeling over-emotional and she had read too many romance novels after all and needed to be reminded of how much he loved her and how he wouldn’t be able to live without her, and he’d have to tell her that he probably could live without her if he had to, although he’d really much rather not.


End file.
